As a former fitness competitor, fitness model and binge-purger myself, it all started as an innocent intention to switch from “unhealthy addictions” from drugs and alcohol, to “healthy addictions” of clean eating, exercising and getting fit. I just wanted abs, to be just a bit leaner.. It soon led into an addiction to getting leaner, fitter, cleaner with my diet and more muscular.
I was consumed with nutritional fixation, exercise compulsion and strict rituals...with more "bad and off limit" foods than "good" ones.
Which then led to food obsession, feeling crazy around food and the inevitable result of bingeing [and purging].
I now thought I was “addicted” to food itself. I saw all these other "normal eaters," eating all their favorite foods and being able to stop when they were full and move on with their day without putting too much thought into it..how could they do it?
While I counted my strawberries and measured exactly 50 grams of carbs and a 1/4 of an avocado, or 1/2 banana scared to lose my abs to just another gram, the whole banana or ounce of oil or salt. I was starving for so much more.
I couldn’t fathom a life without a bottomless pit stomach and extreme hunger. I didn't know another way.
MY PATTERNS AND MINDSETS WERE SO ENGRAINED AND A PART OF MY DAILY LIFE, I WAS SCARED TO LET THEM GO. THEY WERE MY IDENTITY.
I thought moderation meant laziness, balance meant excuses, lack of willpower meant weakness.. but I was just envious..
I was downright miserable. I finally got the body of my dreams and was on the supposedly most healthful diet.. but it wasn’t worth it. What was it all for at the end of the day? I just wanted to be normal again. I wanted to have my freedom back, my digestion back, my sex drive back, my hair and period back, my normal satiety cues back, my mind back. Everyone said I must’ve been doing something wrong.
In an attempt to heal myself, I then spent another couple years trying every "healing" diet [or "lifestyle"] under the flippin' sun, such as, but not limited to: Paleo, GAPS, Ketogenic, Vegan/Raw Vegan, Whole Foods, Cleanses, Juicing, Fasting, Body Ecology, Low Carb, Low Sugar, Low Fat, Intermittent Fasting, Living off only butter or oil for weeks, no nightshades, no oxalates, heck I even considered breatharian! You name it, I tried it..with only a further decline in my health.
Eventually and slowly, I started learning more about this whole balanced approach, anti-diet, intuitive eating and yes- processed food thing. And then, the realization: that all the foods I had been taught to avoid, were suddenly in play, and *ahem* — actually healthy for me! Say whaa?! Butter, ice cream, salt, PIZZA, bacon, beer, even a full avocado if I wanted! It was so much more freeing, non-stressful and pleasurable to live life this way!
Although it was scary and I faced a shit ton of resistance and confusion… it all started to make sense.. the fog started to lift..
This was just the beginning to the end. Over the next several years, I slowly got my freedom and life back in so many ways! Just by healing my relationship with food and my body… the whole time all these different areas of suffering — physically, mental and emotionally was from the unhealthy relationship towards food. Now, I want the same for others!